Uncle Keith's Advice Column

Dear Uncle Keith,

My husband keeps inviting me into his bathroom to see his bowel movements.  He is apparently proud of what he has done in there. For some unknown reason, he thinks I should want to see it.  Even if you can get past the smell, and I cannot, I don't want to look at that.  What am I to do?

Disgusted in Des Moines

Dear Disgusted,

Women have no appreciation for art!  As men, we are proud of our accomplishments, and a well-formed intestinal sculpture is certainly something in which we should be proud.  There is something about looking down upon one's creation, curled, sometimes twice, around the inside of the bowl.  It stirs your heart with triumph, especially when it remains in one continuous piece.

Let's compare.  When women have babies, everyone makes a big deal out of it.  You pass around pictures, have parties, dress the baby up in beautiful clothes and visit family.  Everyone is supposed to be happy and fawn over the baby.  What's the difference, I ask? ( I realize I just compared human babies to feces, but you've got to admit that's funny?)

Now, we men realize that it just isn't practical to have a fecal shower (let's not investigate this topic further) or dress our dooty in pretty outfits and go to our parents. Can't we at least get some appreciation from the women in our lives?  A significant bowel movement is as close as a man will ever get to actually giving birth to a child, why shouldn't we be proud. "If you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that?"

Besides, you've been telling us for years that we are full of shit.  I would think you'd like a little confirmation.

Comments

[Red]

I hate to admit it but when I was young and married I once made him check out my foot long turd. He was impressed.

At this age I would never share but I would still be impressed with myself.

[Lillith]

Uncle Keith,

Does your wife, perhaps, reside in Des Moines?

[Uncle Keith]

Red,
Excellent! You are a woman after my own heart!

Lillith,
I remain unmarried, surprisingly enough.

[kyknoord]

Uncle Keith,
It is really, really difficult to believe that an evacuation artist of your calibre isn't married.

[Uncle Keith]

I know I can hardly believe it my self, just lucky I guess.

[daisyfae]

i've just learned of a crazy fitness guru in the UK, Gillian McKeith (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gillian_McKeith) who claims to be able to diagnose ailments through some form of poo poking... wonder if she's single?

[nursemyra]

disgusted from des moines should come check out the faeces at the gimcrack.

then she could probably appreciate her husband's works of art better